F.L.A.M.E.S.

I have visualized love as a flame: which can be as bright as a campfire or as dull as dying embers. To produce fire, there must be some sort of friction — an interaction with another being that causes a spark. It may be small and die out easily; or it could be ignited into a small flame, enough to generate light and heat. I think the same is true with love. We find people to connect with and sometimes, we click. Other times, we realize there is not enough attraction to sustain the connection. At first, we get excited with this new connection with another that the small flame blazes into a fire. Depending on the passion, intimacy, attraction, and a multitude of other factors, the fire can range from as small as a candle light, to something as bright as a campfire. But what is sustainable is the soft ember of a coal — the steady and predictable certainty of its warmth and light. Similarly, I was never a fan of the passionate kind of love that burns as bright as a bonfire. I have an unexplainable dread about it. I find it scary and difficult to manage. But I find the soft embers comforting; like a tender affection for someone you have manged to connect with. With just some effort to fan the embers, it can easily burn brighter into a flame. Like a steady plateau of a comfortable relationship, there is a sense of security that the love is there, and it is easy to sustain the warmth required by it. And should the embers dim and seem to be dying, we should just put in a little more effort to fan the flame, enough to keep it going. Given time, the effort to fan this ember should be enough to revive it into a glowing ember once more.

You’re So Vain (you prolly think this is for you)

My dearest,

There were times when I wanted so much to tell you how I feel about you..too many times when I wanted to reach out and hold your hand..but I was paralyzed with fear. This is just one of the hundred times I have decided to pour out the thoughts that go with the feelings that are left untold..

  1. Don’t ask me how or why I feel the way I do, I don’t have the answers but all these feelings are true.
  2. You  keep telling me we’re friends, but are we really? I feel that you are just saying that to convince yourself that it’s all we ever will be.
  3. I’ve been convincing myself that I can take this love unrequited, but I keep wishing it isn’t.
  4. It’s not our differences that set us apart, just the words left unsaid. I do not regret the times I have spent pining for you, but I wish I had the courage to let you know that I do.
  5. I keep hoping you are not the reason why I have not taken anybody else in.
  6. I never really understood why you keep putting me up on a pedestal when I’d rather be just beside you.
  7. I do not recall I was able to thank you for anything, but I am truly grateful.
  8. You have no idea what I put myself through just to control the feelings I have for you.
  9. I still fear who I could become when I’m with you.
  10. Which is to say, that after all this time, I still have not forgotten what I feel for you..but I haven’t changed my mind about not wanting to be with you.

Hey, it’s just me.

Rekindling Old Flames

I am not against reconciling with a former lover or about giving second chances.  I am all for forgiveness and giving another try. But my point is, sometimes, it’s really not worth it.

I have friends who would jump at the opportunity to be with their greatest regret, that someone who got away, than take a blind chance on somebody new.  But I suppose taking a chance on either has a fairly relative equal amount of risk.  When you entertain thoughts about a past relationship, you base your decision strongly on the events and feelings associated with whatever it was that you had before.  But hasn’t it occured to you that what you have left are just flashes of memories and emotions you may never get to have again? Likewise, it is highly likely that what makes a former flame so attractive is because of who he/she was way back when you had “the good old days” so to speak. And you fail to see that the same good ol’ days are bygones and seem to be so far away from today.  It is in this regard that whoever this new person is, has an equal footing with the old one. What you fail to see is that the old one has changed — just as you have changed.

And so in the name of taking chances, I find it unfair to compare the present from ther past.  Just because you have established something with the person from yesterday, does not guarantee that it will make it easier for you to accurately predict what will happen to both of you in the future. And in the same reason, just because you know so little of the person you have today, you should take it against him/her in favor of the one from your past.

Kindling a flame is never easy, rekindling makes it doubly difficult.  For all its worth, just make sure you can take the heat.

 

 

**again, a very old post…for the same friend. lol**

Breaking Up is Never Mutual

I have often heard people say that when they broke up, it was a mutual decision. But is it really?

What happens when people decide that they want to end the relationship? Some say they have irreconcilable differences..others claim to have felt tired or unhappy..or felt the relationship isn’t going anywhere — and then soon enough, ask for their respective “freedom.” But honestly, do both parties feel the same — that is, deciding to end the relationship?

I have yet to be convinced that this is indeed mutual. I have been guilty of using this line of reasoning as well. And I admit, it wasn’t. Oh but I wish it were. I asked for the break up because I thought it was the right thing to do. Even if it killed me. And pretended we both needed it..perhaps..but I didn’t feel the need, not as much as he did.

They say it’s a brave thing — letting go of someone you love. But bravery may just be a front..a guise to help both parties get through the break up. As I have asked before, is love not enough? If it were, why can’t it sustain a relationship?

They say relationships are entirely different from love. And so it seems that love may or may not be even remotely connected to relationships. And if this is so, when a relationship ceases to exist, love is never to be blamed..not even as a scapegoat. So if you want it to end, don’t pretend that you both want it to happen..because no one can ever tell what is best for somebody else. And if you are on the receiving end of this heartbreaking truth, do not accept the reason that it is best for you too, if you feel you don’t.

Is it really worth the lie, if the truth shall cost your life in exchange for someone else’s freedom? And ultimately, are you really set free when deep down inside, you know you will forever be bound to that one person you will never get to have for keeps?

**very old entry. .reposting it for a friend..**

Checklist

I had to revamp this as I suddenly had to revisit the post. Even then, I still suppose we will all be better with people who..

  1. share our faith and are eager to grow with us spiritually
  2. are God fearing, patient, kind and forgiving: humble to admit a fault and are accountable for their actions
  3. uphold the value of truth: who are honest with themselves and to others
  4. love us passionately but are still able to think and act rationally
  5. are able to propose and faithfully keep a commitment
  6. are not afraid to admit they need us and will be there for us come what may
  7. accept, understand and respect the persons we are, and who we want to be; encourage and support us to be the best that we can be, even if it requires change
  8. are resilient — who are not afraid to take risks and rejections, and are able to make and be firm in their decisions
  9. are socially aware and morally responsible in dealing with their lives and with others
  10. can be independent and still be considerate of what others think and feel
  11. have an insatiable curiosity: eagerness to understand what was,  learn what is, and explore what is still to come
  12. have a grateful heart: happily content with what is, yet hopeful that tomorrow will be better
  13. are able to communicate well: who really listen and are brave enough to express themselves in thoughts, feelings and actions, risking their vulnerability
  14. who make us happy and are happy to be with us — have sensible humor and let their guards down with us
  15. can make time for us no matter how busy they can get because we are more important than anything else in their world

i guess it’s a tall order..but it is very much possible to have someone that we can actually share our lives with. remember though, that we cannot ask for something we are not prepared to give ourselves. in the end, we cannot really ask for perfection, no matter how hard we strive for it. and it is only fair to give back what we want so much to receive.

The Languages of Love

I had always been fascinated by Dr. Gary Chapman’s book on the language of love but never really got around to buying or reading it. Maybe because his theory is so practical and readily observable in our daily interaction with the people who matter to us. He suggests that there are five ways by which we communicate, or we measure how love is expressed. The first, and probably the most common, is words of affirmation. Here, open verbal communication is vital to people who prefer this language because they perceive love through words of gratitude, encouragement and support as well as sincere compliments. For this language, actions can never speak louder than words.

The second is quality time. Physical presence is not enough to indicate quality time, nor the activity nor ambiance. Most of the time, I hear people part ways because one or both, drifted from the other. People can be too preoccupied with so many things BUT spending time with the people that matter to them.Spending time together means more than just being there for each other. When you are together, you need to focus your time and energy on each other to fully enjoy the experience. Do the things you enjoy without taking any disruption from school or work.  Quality time need not be as long as a weekend to enjoy. Even the little moments where you can truly feel each other’s presence is enough.

The third, and most convenient is receiving gifts. They do not need to be expensive nor effortful (i know there is no such word) but again, sincerity counts on the part of the giver. Most people respond favorably to visual or physical expressions of love. However, this can be difficult for people who are too prudent in their spending and some people slighted no matter how good the intentions are, because they view it as bribery. This is why it is necessary to establish the sincerity of the giver

Acts of service takes the fourth spot. This is usually done in romantic relationships, particularly in the courtship stage, where the man tries to prove to his beloved his intentions by offering his services at all times — offering to bring her home, picking her up from work or school, or even running errands with or for her. This is also a common expression for little kids who show their affection to their parents by promising to be obedient and do all the errands asked of them for a day, especially on special occasions (or when they need something in return. lol.).

Last is physical touch. A hug is very comforting, no matter what the situation is. A gentle pat on the back may be enough to express gratitude or encouragement and support. Holding hands is a very powerful communicator of physical presence. However, this is also the most complicated because there has to be an established level of intimacy first, before anyone gets to be comfortable in any form of physical touch. Some may require as little as a smile or a “hi!”, but some can take weeks or even months before letting go of their inhibitions regarding physical connection.

The moral of the story is, sometimes, conflicts and disappointments arise when two people have differences in their preferences for their love languages. Someone who wants physical touch may not necessarily have it as their own primary mode of communicating their love (although it almost always is the same). So we should all find out our own language first as we discover our personal preferences for getting love back.