What’s it like to feel nothing?
A smile. A kiss. Sparks fly.
Phone ring. Engagement ring. Wedding ring.
It was always the wrong time.
We were something. Now it’s nothing.
You: “Hey!” Me:”Who are you?”
Life: Wake up. Daydream. Sleep. Dream.
Come back! Come back to me.
“Are you sure about this?” Absofuckinlutley.
Maybe it was you all along.
“Goodbye,” he said. “Alright,” I lied.
Fondness for each other. Friends forever.
My heart thinks you’re the one.
Whoops! I really thought you knew.
I’m sorry. You almost had me.
I’ll wait. You’ll go. It ends.
Trusted you. You proved me wrong.
You like me. I love him.
Strange how it always comes around.
I’m over you. So don’t bother.
Like gravity I was pulled towards you.
Curiosity. Attraction. Admiration. Affection. Acceptance. Love.
I blinked. And you were gone.
I didn’t think about you today.
Sometimes you get what you want.
These resonate so much with me with eerie accuracy:
“It terrifies me how talented you are at turning your emotions on and off. How you can be so kind and loving one moment then cold like ice the next. Whenever you open your mouth, I never know whether it’s going to be I love you or It’s over.”
“You will not always be strong but you can always be brave.”
“My heart is not captured easily. I am disinterested in small talk, disillusioned with love, and too focused on my dreams and aspirations to lend anybody my attention for long. But if we make that connection, if you find your way into my heart, God I will fall for you like gravity has let go of earth.”
These speak so much of my feelings at some point:
“There’s a corner of my heart that is yours. And I don’t mean for now, or until I’ve found somebody else, I mean forever. I mean to say that whether I fall in love a thousand times over or once or never again, there’ll always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs only to you.”
Hear My Heart
“I develop intimate connections with others rarely. A kiss often incites little more than a dull steady thump in my disentranced heart. But you — my god you could shatter me with a single moment of eye contact, or the accidental brush of a hand.”
“What am I most afraid of? That maybe you were it and I let you go.”
And there’s a big part of me that wishes I never met you. I preferred the emptiness in me when I didn’t know it was there.”
“It’s not that you left. I’m okay with that. I’ve learned to accept it. It’s that it was too damn easy. It’s that you didn’t think twice.”
These are thoughts that keep running in my mind:
The one thing I know for sure
“The only thing I know for sure is that feelings are rarely mutual, so when they are, drop everything, forget belongings and expectations, forget the games, the two days between texts, the hard to gets because this is it, this what the entire world is after and you’ve stumbled upon it by chance, by accident — so take a deep breath, take a step forward, now run, collide like planets in the system of a dying sun, embrace each other with both arms and let the rules, the opinions, the common sense crash down around you. Because this is love kid, and it’s all yours. Believe me, you’re in for one hell of a ride, after all — this is the one thing I know for sure.”
I knew what I had and now it’s gone.
“Sometimes, you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. And they leave, and you learn to be more appreciative in the future — to be less self-centered. But what about all the times that you do– when you know what you’ve got, when you know how tremendously lucky you are, when everyday is a pleasure and treasured for all that is? I’ll tell you. They leave, and that’s it — it’s neither your fault nor theirs, there’s no life lesson or greater purpose. Sometimes, in life, good things just go. And you never really get over them.”
“Better an oops than a what if.”
“What a terrible waste of a life it is, to always take the easy path, to never know what it is to risk everything for what you love.”
No, I haven’t read the novel. But I chanced upon this passage and could not believe that this was articulated in a bestseller. I think the author felt the same way I did once, back in the days, when everything used to be simple.
Maybe the nostalgia of post-valentine is making me melancholic. I never really trusted myself when it came to this mushiness of romance. I am close to choking myself to death so I guess this is all I have to say.
Funny how I recall the days when I used to have an affair with television. It was one of the early reasons why I stayed up late at night even when I was still in first or second grade. There were a lot of shows to watch back then. I practically know the schedule of the prime time block in every channel. The advent of the UHF channels when I was in high school brought much delight to my audiovisual senses, although they were mostly asian channels, and were the precursors of home cable. Until I reached college, I was still pretty much hooked on the tube. Yet, for about ten years now, the affair just fizzled out.
I have yet to see a program that would appeal to my addiction switch. Upon the advent of the internet, television just seemed so limited, I guess. I barely watch any show these days..even movies lack their usual appeal. This i not exactly a rant post, but I really miss having a solid relationship with television. Sure I still get to watch some shows a couple of times but it’s not the same as before. I wish I knew the answer to this..maybe it’s the shows..the programming,,the celebrities..or maybe it’s just me.
I really do miss finding a regular audiovisual delight, sans the internet.
There were times when I wanted so much to tell you how I feel about you..too many times when I wanted to reach out and hold your hand..but I was paralyzed with fear. This is just one of the hundred times I have decided to pour out the thoughts that go with the feelings that are left untold..
- Don’t ask me how or why I feel the way I do, I don’t have the answers but all these feelings are true.
- You keep telling me we’re friends, but are we really? I feel that you are just saying that to convince yourself that it’s all we ever will be.
- I’ve been convincing myself that I can take this love unrequited, but I keep wishing it isn’t.
- It’s not our differences that set us apart, just the words left unsaid. I do not regret the times I have spent pining for you, but I wish I had the courage to let you know that I do.
- I keep hoping you are not the reason why I have not taken anybody else in.
- I never really understood why you keep putting me up on a pedestal when I’d rather be just beside you.
- I do not recall I was able to thank you for anything, but I am truly grateful.
- You have no idea what I put myself through just to control the feelings I have for you.
- I still fear who I could become when I’m with you.
- Which is to say, that after all this time, I still have not forgotten what I feel for you..but I haven’t changed my mind about not wanting to be with you.
Hey, it’s just me.
I first posted this in May 2009. I felt the need to update. Same rules apply: write a note with at least 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
1. The first book I can remember being interested in was Edith Hamilton’s Mythology in Prep. Hahaha.
The most recent book I’ve finished is Emotions Revealed by Paul Eckman.
2. I went to an exclusive Catholic school for girls for ten years.
I still went to a Catholic school for college and graduate studies.
3. My first real ambition was to become a therapist, then a fashion designer, before settling for a business course. I also wanted to be an engineer. I ended up in Psychology, though.
My goal now is to reach out to more people and make small miracles in their lives.
4. I love peanut butter and strawberry jam on wheat bread. I love peanut butter gelato. I love peanut butter with chocolates. I love peanut butter. Period.
Period still holds true. LOL.
5. My family’s in San Jose, CA. I’m planning to stay in Manila..just a tad bit longer.
I don’t know where to go or stay for the meantime.
6. I spent all my savings on my trips last 2008– Singapore, US, HK and Bangkok. Hahaha.
I still spend all of my savings on trips to neverwhere.
7. Plans for Ph.D. is currently on hold because of the economic slump.
I hope I can get started with this inSeptember, if I get admitted.
8. Pond’s Age Miracle works better for me than Olay Total Effects.
Pond’s is still the best for me.
9. Sushi = Love.
Gelato is my new sushi. 🙂
10. My hair never went past two inches below my shoulders.
My hair is now way past two inches from my shoulders.
11. I have a gap in my lower set of teeth.
I still have them (the gap and my teeth).
12. Ask and I shall reply.
I do more asking now.
13. Privacy = Intimacy
Intimacy = Connectedness
14. I enjoy shopping by myself.
I enjoy shopping. Period.
15. I like make up but I’m not patient enough to put it on.
I learned to put on make up like a semi-pro. I’ve gotten the hang of it.
16. I roll my eyes a lot. =b
I stick out my tongue more often now, too.
17. Silence is comforting.
Solitude is comforting.
18. I started keeping poems I’ve written in 6th grade.
I lost track of keeping tabs on my written works.
19. I organize my playlist regularly — sometimes by genre, other times by era/period in time. I have also organized it by people I associate some songs with. Loool. (that’s lol with a drool. hahaha.)
I do not have much time for this anymore. But music is still my soul.
20. FB addict.
Rehabilitated. No known current addiction.
21. When I do watch TV, it’s usually a sitcom or a crime/detective series.
I seldom turn the TV on..like once every quarter of a year.
22. I cry when I want to. And that’s not too often.
I haven’t cried this year for anything and for nothing.
23. Poker face makes people crazy. I drive my sisters crazy when I do that.
I drive myself crazy when I see other people’s reactions to this one.
24. Sarcasm is witty.
Wit is dry humor..but nevertheless, is still humor.
25. Curiosity hasn’t killed me yet.
But someone else might..because of it.
I lost count at thirty.
I don’t think it has anything to do with existential anxiety nor with a preoccupation with youthful beauty.
It just seems that time has halted into a standstill.
I now relish every friggin’ moment I have in this universe.
Yeah baby that’s a fact.