With the briefest touch a spark was ignited
that I never really noticed until
you breathed air
enough to fan it into an ember
like a soft glow of a coal. And for a while
I delighted in the warmth I felt
when you were around; and in the times you weren’t
I made do with keeping the flame alive
just by thinking about you and
letting you know how much I do.
But like all beginnings, you decided to end things.
Without a word, with just a sigh —
the spark was gone. And after all these years,
all I can see is the beauty of what could have been
had there been a you and me.
“I don’t understand,” I said, shaking my head slowly. “it doesn’t make sense to me. How could you choose to leave the person you say you love?”
And he sighed with a resounding breath that sounded like regret. “Things don’t always have to make sense. It’s not easy for me to do this..”
“Then why do you have to make it so hard?” I mumbled, trying my best to keep myself from crying. I swore to myself that I will not shed a single tear for you. I am too proud to cry in front of you; I will not let myself down.
It was easy to say that timing was off. But we both know that’s not the case. Relationships require work, but love makes all the effort worth the while. Time is irrelevant. I could have settled for: it just wasn’t meant to be. But I am a believer that we are masters of our own destiny. Choice. That was the thing. He is choosing to leave me, I am choosing to stay.
Why was it so hard to choose me? “Maybe it would make sense if I just say, I thought I love you.” he calmly said. “Or maybe you did.” I replied nonchalantly.
I bit my tongue so the tears that were forming in my eyes will hold still. And in that moment, I understood how the truth hurts, and how it sets you free.
Uncertainty is a reality that is difficult to accept for it is beyond our understanding. We waste time and energy when we pass up on certain opportunities; or when we wait out on things that may never come. Perhaps this is why promises are sometimes unfulfilled or why things don’t always turn out as planned. The thing is, we cannot always be in control of a situation, sometimes, even of ourselves.
So we must live with courage to accept defeats, to let go of losses, and to embrace the unknown with faith beyond reason. Things don’t always have a sensible explanation. Feelings exist because reason doesn’t always have the answers.
So let us brave the new frontier with a sprinkle of hope, a dash of faith, and a healthy dose of love. Have a peaceful and wonder-filled 2016!
As the year comes to a close, I have realized that life is a series of awesomeness and disasters that peak sporadically. But these things are more of the outliers than typical. What happens for the most part, are what seemingly looks mundane and ordinary little things that we often forget about. Looking back though, it is these little things that actually steer us into the direction we are headed to now. Although the spectacular sometimes jolts us to make pivotal turns, what keeps us going are the trivialities of the average days in our lives.
Even without paying much attention, I can see that I have drifted quite far from where I had been a couple of months back. Back when I thought that what was best was to stay put and not move an inch — much like that song by The Script. Those mundane and boring days have steered me off the path I thought I wanted.
So here I stand now and I don’t think I will want to look back. Poof!
Hofstadter’s law states that things always take longer than you expect, that even if you know it will overrun, it will overrun your estimated due time too. We are either too confident about our abilities or perhaps just optimistic about circumstances that things will get done in a shorter period of time. In time, we then commit the planning fallacy, the mistake we make when we “conveniently” forget that reality dictates that a task takes actually a longer period of time to be completed, factoring in other details that may affect its accomplishment. For example, I know for a fact that I find it easy to compose my thoughts and comprehend reading materials, so finishing my dissertation shouldn’t take that long a time. Unfortunately, the method by which I need to gather my data relies on the availability of other people, which, unfortunately is costing me more time an effort than I had imagined, thereby pushing my due date farther than what I planned it out to be.
If in even the most calculating task, such as programming, Hofstadter’s law seems to take effect, what more the complicated things such as finding your soulmate, or settling down and getting married? This is where the advice of most psychologists come in handy, regarding the planning fallacy, avoid planning altogether when possible and just deal with it. Shit happens all the time anyways, but Murphy’s law is another topic that requires a new post.
Do not look for me in places you think you’ll find me.
I was never fit to be placed into a boxed stereotype.
Do not look for me in people you think remind you of me.
Your perception of who I was might not be accurate, exactly.
Do not look for me as if I left you.
As if you did not leave me.
I have visualized love as a flame: which can be as bright as a campfire or as dull as dying embers. To produce fire, there must be some sort of friction — an interaction with another being that causes a spark. It may be small and die out easily; or it could be ignited into a small flame, enough to generate light and heat. I think the same is true with love. We find people to connect with and sometimes, we click. Other times, we realize there is not enough attraction to sustain the connection. At first, we get excited with this new connection with another that the small flame blazes into a fire. Depending on the passion, intimacy, attraction, and a multitude of other factors, the fire can range from as small as a candle light, to something as bright as a campfire. But what is sustainable is the soft ember of a coal — the steady and predictable certainty of its warmth and light. Similarly, I was never a fan of the passionate kind of love that burns as bright as a bonfire. I have an unexplainable dread about it. I find it scary and difficult to manage. But I find the soft embers comforting; like a tender affection for someone you have manged to connect with. With just some effort to fan the embers, it can easily burn brighter into a flame. Like a steady plateau of a comfortable relationship, there is a sense of security that the love is there, and it is easy to sustain the warmth required by it. And should the embers dim and seem to be dying, we should just put in a little more effort to fan the flame, enough to keep it going. Given time, the effort to fan this ember should be enough to revive it into a glowing ember once more.